Don't Love Your Son Too Much
Before you attack, let me explain. Having a little boy, some moms tend to coddle and baby their little boy, to the point that they grow up to be men that act very much like boys. Moms can easily over-nurture, give in way too easily to our child's demands, and making our children into selfish, lazy, and unproductive adults. Some moms, and dads too, try to buy our children's affections with material items, instead of giving children the time they so desperately need. As moms, we have to find a clear balance between love and discipline.
Another quote that I've read recently made an impact on my thinking:
Children who are over-nurtured are not going to be giving and loving people. This is the opposite of what over-nurturing parents thought. If you always put their needs ahead of yours throughout the preschool years, and beyond, children stay self-centered and feel they should come first. Parents will find themselves troubled that the “love” that led them to do much for and give much to their children has been too much and has made their children into selfish and unloving individuals. Here's your chance to check for this in your parenting style and make any course correction necessary.
- Annye Rothenberg, Ph.D., Perfect Parenting Myths
I am trying very hard to create a safe balance between discipline and love. Sometimes, it's very difficult to find that clear balance. I'm not going to sit here and pretend that I have it all figured out because I don't. But I'm trying really hard to find that balance.If you've read even a handful of my posts, it should be clear that I love my son unconditionally. There's no doubt about it; he is my rock. However, I don't want this love that I have for him to bypass the need for discipline and corrective action. And I work my way up from the little things to the big things, where he immediately gets a spanking and a really good tongue lashing. In no way do I want to give my son a spanking, but it is a realization based on the extent of his actions.
Just to provide a little understanding of little and big things:
A little thing would be him not listening when I call him over. A big thing would be him finally coming over pissed off from him being interrupted and deciding to smack me in the face. (Mommy is not having that, not at all! We are not going to be on the Maury Show with Micah being 16 and punching me in the face. Both of us would be black and blue before I'm done with him)
This discipline is countered endlessly by Grandma. Understandably, she is Grandma and her job is to spoil Micah. I have no problem with that at all. I have a problem with her trying to bypass and criticize everything that I tell Micah to do. After a period of time, it gets really annoying.
Prime example:
We're all at the Laundromat today. Micah is in his stroller as we are folding clothes. He decides to finally sneak out of the stroller and begin running around the Laundromat. Well, guess what, we don't have time to be chasing Micah up and down the halls, when we're trying to get these clothes folded and go home as quickly as possible (we were there for a total of 3 1/2 hours; 2 hours longer than usual). I was tired, achy, and congested; it was time to hurry up and go home.
So I made Micah come over and get back in the stroller. Of course, he walks over with tears in his eyes and the sad "Puss In Boots" look on his face as he came over and let me put him back in the stroller.
Grandma starts up at this point: Let Micah stay out of the stroller if he wants to...I'll watch him.
Mommy: No, we need to finish these clothes and get out of here. Micah is fine in the stroller for a little bit.
Grandma: I said that I'll watch him.
Mommy: So I have to fold all these clothes by myself while you chase Micah around the Laundromat. No, leave Micah in the stroller.
Grandma: Fine! He's your child, do what you want! (huffs and turns away)
During our debate, Micah decides to sneak out of the stroller once more and is halfway out the door before I was able to catch him. I snatch him and brought him back to the stroller, giving him a good tongue lashing. His bottom lip starts to quiver (a sign that he's upset but won't push it).
Once again, Grandma starts up: Just let him stay out so he doesn't look sad or cry.
Mommy: Mom, Micah is fine. Let him stay in the stroller.
Grandma: I know he's fine, but I want to take him out.
She walks over and takes Micah out of the stroller. Micah has this smug look of satisfaction on his face and I stuck out my tongue at him, which only gets him giggling.
She's holding Micah and he slides off of her and onto the floor. He starts running away while Grandma is still trying to stand up (she has arthritis), which means that I have to grab Micah once more before he heads out the front door and into the parking lot.
Before I get my hands on him, though, he trips and falls. This has him hollering! After a quick inspection, I saw that nothing was bleeding or hurt (except for his pride) so I put him in the stroller and continue folding the laundry. Grandma couldn't help it...she comes over to baby and coddle him and make him stop crying.
I snapped, "Don't take him out of the stroller!"
Grandma: Well, he's crying...I don't want him crying.
Mommy: Leave him in the stroller and fold the clothes. You can baby and coddle him when we get home.
Grandma: I used to do baby and coddle you, I don't get the big deal. So what if we're in the Laundromat for 4 or 5 hours, we have to make him happy.
Is she nuts? We are not staying in this Laundromat any longer than we have to, especially not to appease a toddler, who could play with car keys for 20 minutes and be entertained. No, we're going to do the laundry and get the heck out of Dodge.
Mommy: (gives Grandma a daring look)
Grandma: (pissed) Fine! Do whatever you want, he is your child. I don't care anymore!
Within minutes, he fell asleep in the stroller.
Within minutes, he fell asleep in the stroller.
She didn't speak to me for the rest of the time there and was being really snappy even when I dropped her off to her apartment. Oh well, she'll get over it. Just like she said...he's my son and I want to raise him as I see fit.
I'm not trying to be so controversial with Grandma, not at all. It just becomes extremely difficult when someone feels the need to tell you how, when, or where you should raise your child. She's even suggested that I let Micah go live with her (as she did with me by sending me to my grandparents) so that she'll have company and entertainment. I can then visit him whenever I like. Also, she won't have to worry about me being so hard on him. Huh? That's NEVER going to happen, so give up on that!
All I'm asking is that she respects my wishes when it comes to raising Micah. When I'm nowhere around, do what you please -- spoil him completely and utterly rotten. I can't control what's done when I'm not there. But when I'm there - let me be the disciplinarian and raise my son as I wish. He is (as she so clearly mentions twice during our debate) MY SON. All I ask is let me be his mom and you be the Grandmother. Stop trying to be my mom and his mom too. Let me do what I have to do as his mother.
Is that so bad to ask?
